eclectica

Originally intended as an eclectic discussion of various subjects, but currently mostly obsessed with Golf.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Arizona


Arizona
A movie set in the suburbs of Phoenix, written for Seth Rogen.
This movie combines elements of Knocked-up, Pineapple Express and Goodwill Hunting, with an ending designed to encourage the audience to believe in self. This script is written with consideration for the quirky, naïve sensibility exhibited in both Knocked-up and Pineapple Express where the non-hero triumphs after generous application of a good natured, never quit as long as it’s convenient attitude.
But the casual good humor Seth Rogen normally portrays in his roles is combined with darker tones reminiscent of Goodwill Hunting along with a message of redemption and self-discovery realized through the vehicle of an unlikely Yoda-like character conveyed in an Asian American biology and botany researcher whose self-avowed mission in life is to deliver to the world the most badass marijuana.
The plot will follow our star from the nascent years of high school where he starts as a borderline nerd. Our main character’s ambitions are simple – a predetermined plan for yearbook ascendancy bundled together with a desire for academic distinction all for the purposes of college matriculation. But because of a series of events triggered by the faltering health of his first mentor figure and the subsequent machinations of the first villain of the movie, his well-laid plans are thwarted. When Christine Bumps, our nascent Othello’s first nemesis undermines his Yoda-like teacher by leading an anti-drug rally, our character’s life is turned upside down as all of his preconceptions of right and wrong are turned on end. Our star’s mentor has been dosing with medical marijuana openly to deal with his cancer. He’s made full disclosure of the fact to all parents, teachers and school officials.
The resulting epiphany earned by challenging preconceived notions launches our star on a path that includes random McJobs such as painting tree trunks with white paint in a senior community and unlikely friendships with a motley group of lovable losers.
Our high school scenes will include an homage to Fast Times at Ridgemont High with our star ordering a pizza during Christine Bumps class.
Though our high school scenes will only occupy ten minutes of the movie, the scenes will provide a moral foundation that will inform our star’s behavior for the rest of the journey. When certain previously unassailable precepts of our main actor are invalidated by a tragic turn, our star’s approach to life is forced to embrace the strange and unexpected. An altered approach that reroutes the star from a predetermined track headed for college and career and instead propels him towards a quirky Quixotic journey with lovable ensemble of losers living far below each characters’ native potential. By the end of the movie, all will be set right in the classic tradition of comic theater that would comfort an Athenian. Arizona is a movie that would make Northrup Frye proud.
And we have monkeys.

Opening sequence, rip-off Simpsons, they rip-off everybody else.
Origin, exposition, introduction to first mentor, declaration of hopes and dreams, best yearbook ever
Dr. Ruth Westheimer foreshadowing of Christine Bumps self-pleasure and upside-down stock tables to cover-up
Say no to drugs
Mentor diagnosed with pancreatic cancer
Mentor dosing with medical marijuana
Christine Bumps campaigns against degenerate drug user, drives mentor out of school and usurps yearbook advisership Say No to Drugs
Star present when mentor dies, funeral scene, speaks at funeral
Tries to make it on yearbook, resigns when Christine Bumps insists on a layout with watermarks of daisies and doilies
Pizza ordering scene, father and principal reminisce, impressed our star knows the classics
Decides to try drugs since everything Christine Bumps says or does seems wrong
Dissolve, five years later, side of a road, star painting tree trunks counting time
Driving back home after work is finished, picks-up hippie hitchhiker, finds out hippie is a marijuana grow consultant and that myth of miracle marijuana at ASU is real
Schemes to get a job as janitor at ASU to get access to marijuana
Interview scene
Sneaking-out marijuana, gets caught, meets second Yoda, mentor
Yoda insists only legal, makes star and motley group of friends to come up with legitimate indications for medical marijuana before he writes a script for dispensation
Yoda origin montage, rip-off Harold and Kumar montage with anthropomorphized bag of marijuana, Yoda raising marijuana with dad who says “your grandfather had acres of these back home in China”
Crew sees Yoda’s monkeys doing really smart things, like writing out elaborate equations, decides the marijuana imparts superhuman intelligence to imbibers
Enters quiz show, goes up against nerd/nemesis from high school, competes for old high school crush, now dating nemesis on opposing quiz team for a million dollars
Loses access to marijuana when nemesis2 teams with nemesis1(Christine Bumps) to jail Yoda
Motley crew comes close with miracle marijuana but loses, earns respect of opponents, girl
The moral of the story and that’s just one superfreaky monkey, he can’t solve the equations
Black Coq scene
Cut, NORML Rally with George Soros on stage, sponsored by Black Coq

My Crazy Movie Ideas


Short film I want to shoot right away.

1. Scottsdale Superficial
Sort of like Legally Blonde, without the deep meaning. First scene Breanna drives up to Nordstrom, is familiar with valet, blows him kisses while handing him keys.

In store, she's trying to decide between two different shoes. The clerk says why not take both, she says that's genius, that's why I love Nordstrom.

She meets a serious looking guy with some friends, it's Jake from Ohio. He starts to talk about Somalia, Breanna interrupts and says, wait is that a new store in the mall? Wait wait, I'm sorry, it's where you're from in Ohio?

Breanna doesn't drink anything alcoholic, working out for her trip to Acapulco.

Driving from the get-together, she runs a stop sign and runs over a Mexican man, dirty from working all day as a laborer.

First reaction is to see if her car is alright, "he's so dirty, did it get on my car?"

Man seems alright, dazed, but he gets up and walks away. Breanna gives him one of her business cards.

Breanna visited at her office by police officers. They explain the man died. She thinks it's a joke of her coworkers, Amy, you bitch, this is not funny, my god where did you find these actors. When she realizes they're not kidding, she asks, did I kill him? Police explain there's no way to tie her to the death, and that the man was illegal. They just wanted to get some facts, a sister who is legal is making a stink about it. Cracks a joke, guess they can't read the street signs. Breanna interjects, I ran the stop sign. Police explain why she doesn't want to repeat that.

Breanna gets a call from mans daughter, Lucia. "Are you the woman who killed my father? My mother wanted me to invite you to the funeral, she says she forgives you and god will give you grace." 

Breanna goes, sees all of Juan's children, his wife hugs her. Last shot, Breanna staring at the camera, acapella song as credits roll. I want this all within 15 minutes.


2. Arizona, is the treatment I sent already.
Description and Plot Synopsis of Arizona


3. 21*
Follow the 21 medal of honor recipients of the 442nd and the 22nd who should have received one. Pretty easy one, requires researching the official records, want to interview the recipients and members of the 442nd. Gave my card to Coach Kajikawa's daughter, joined the Japanese Americans Citizens League as a lifetime member.

The most decorated combat regiment in the history of the US dating back to the Revolutionary War, first combat regiment commanded by an Asian American, Korean American Young-oak Kim. Outside of the Army had to do laundry to make a living because nobody would hire him. In the Army, commanded the most decorated combat regiment in the history of the US. When the brass asked him if it was okay for him to command Japanese, he said they're American, we're fighting a common enemy, I have no problem with these young men.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/442nd

4. Hirise Living
Set in a high rise condo in Phoenix, hotshot game developer finds himself playing a live version of his own hit game when a fan turns the hero's live upside down, turns personal when his friends are killed by the serial killer stalking the main character.

5. The Original
It's 2012, London Olympics, Garett Clive a competitor in the decathalon is considered the most perfect human ever born. He endorses Gendeavor, a Company selling genetic enhancements to parents using Garett's dna as the reference blueprint. Garett feels something is wrong with the genetic manipulation, takes his family and others who feel the same way and disappears from society.

20 generations later, people are at physical perfections, through genetic manipulation. However, people start exhibiting strange behavior. A physicist theorizes that the lack of normally occurring flaws in the DNA of humans provides not vessel for human souls, a quest starts for a search for the Original, descendants of Garret Clives who never participated in the genetic manipulation. However, two pre-eminent political entities battle each other, in a race for supremacy.

6. Jury Consultant
Romantic comedy, maybe Catherine Zeta-Jones. Deidra Jammer is no nonsense shark. Within 15 minutes with a jury, she can tell you with 93% certainty what a company's likely liability from the results of a jury trial. All is fine, until she meets a juror she can't get out of her mind. She rediscovers ideals she thought were long buried, and choose her ethics, love, or her career.

7. HeLa Gene

African American woman, Henrietta Lane contributed unknowingly to medical science, a gift that made modern DNA research possible. In the 1940s, cells were harvested from her tumor, those genes now if linked end to end would total over 350 million feet, would wrap around the world three times.

The genes won't die.

This movie is along the lines of the DaVinci code, and Illuminati type of organization is seeking to capture a method of harnessing the immortality of the HeLa gene for a human. The thought that a super-human who'd live through the ages aggregating wisdom and knowledge, a la Highlander. But absolute power corrupts absolutely. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs types, among the Illuminati group, a political activist recruits a recalcitrant ex-cop, down on his luck, lost family type, seeing Ashton Kutcher in the role, I think he was underestimated in Butterfly Effect.

8. Never Going Back to Brooklyn
Guy, on a business trip to New York, gets invited to meet some friends in Brooklyn. Ends-up in the AM, mugged, mugger takes pants, shoes, camera. Has to return home, makes a police report, police officer starts threatening a false report felony charge.

Narrative to follow a Kafkaesque maneuver through bureaucracy, and the unraveling of the evening leading-up to the mugging. Parallel stories, unraveling out of sequence.

Friday, September 14, 2012

My Comments on Friedman's Trust Article


I'll kind of do some commentary of the commentary, meta-commentary. One journalist I read criticizing this piece claimed that Friedman suffers from ADD, what this critic claimed was that Friedman started with a thesis of trust and started gushing about Alibaba just because he met some players from the Company.

Reading the piece I understand the critic's point, but I see where Friedman makes the point that there's a lack of trust in China and that's holding it back in innovation, then offers that Alibaba works with trust and is facilitating innovation. 

I couple comments I have, about culture. The Communist party worked hard to destroy the family as the basic economic organization unit of China, trying to replace it with a state collective. The Great Leap Forward in China, where Chinese melted down useful utensils made of metal to "manufacture" steel that sat as useless lumps, saw the widescale starvation of millions. 

Despite the best efforts of the CCP, the family remains as the primary unit of trust of economy in China. Though greatly changed. I think what affects the family greatest in China is the one child policy. It has greatly curtailed the participants in a circle of trust. 

China remains a society just like any other where business requires trust. A trust that America could rely on so easily till we found out that the bankers we expected to safeguard our collective capital were just parasites and self-serving buccaneers. Doing business in China requires first cultivating a relationship, on whatever superficial level. It requires some form of social interaction, and it requires building social capital.

What Friedman really wants to talk about I think is IP protection and the widespread pirating of goods. China's always been practical culture, there are no devotional religions prevalent in the society for example. Chinese probably couldn't imagine making paper a proprietary technology, and I think the attitude extends to other useful tools. 

I think Open Source provides a great opportunity to align Chinese culture with the wider world. We can offer Chinese tools that are Open and Free as in freedom, and they can become contributors to tools that help everybody. If we can get China on board on a widescale with Open Source, I believe we'll end a reality where shovels that is prosaic tools to do basic work no longer cost $1,000,000. 

Try a Lemonade Stand First

Entrepreneurship rewards the faithful well. For those who build a relevant business that satisfies customer wants, the business owner gains a bountiful income and satisfaction of control that escapes most who punch a clock for a living. Many people try entrepreneurship for different reasons, that's not as important to me for this post as how people go about it.

Used to be, people would apprentice to learn a craft. A system that took root in the Middle Ages in Europe, many European countries continue with some formal forms of apprenticeships designed to place young people into gainful employment. In the US, other than internships and certain union programs, apprenticeships have disappeared other than perhaps medical professionals. Internships and residencies for MDs may be the last bastion of professional craft training.

Today, entrepreneurs dive into a startup, with little preparation, no idea, and no practice. Same entrepreneurs are baffled why they don't gain support, earn investment, and ultimately fail. If there's a lack of opportunity to apprentice, then create your own opportunities to practice. Open a lemonade stand.

This is an ad absurdum example to a certain extent, though I really believe that opening a lemonade stand would teach a nascent entrepreneur a lot. An entrepreneur would learn about setup -- for example test different creative for signs and messages, learn how to build or hire a contractor to build a lemonade stand, figure out if a license is required or can you dodge the authorities long enough to meet your goals. The biggest lesson should be how to make customers happy.

I confess, I lucked into my apprenticeships. To begin with, my parents and the other adults I was around had no choice but to run businesses. I am part of a community of Chinese from Korea. In Korea, we had no status. There were laws enacted to prevent our prosperity, and hiring practices kept us from employment in companies or businesses owned by Koreans.

One business we were allowed to run were restaurants. During the 1970s, when Park Chung-hee started vigorously enforcing discriminatory laws that already existed, most all the Chinese left Korea. Our status was supposed to be Republic of China citizens, but there we also faced discrimination. Other than government jobs and teaching jobs that were allocated as a form of affirmative action for us, in Taiwan we were unemployable as well. Most of us came to America, a large majority of us settled in Los Angeles and Atlanta, operating restaurants.

My uncle Ching Fang Hsu was an early Chinese emigrant out of Korea. He settled with his family in Seattle in 1958, sponsored by a local church. His family was the first Chinese from Korea to settle in the US. He would go on the found the first Mandarin Chinese speaking church, and the first restaurant serving Northern Chinese cuisine in Seattle. It all happened because he couldn't work otherwise.

He started working at Frederick and Nelson then the most prestigious department store in Seattle. On the custodial crew, he worked hard, too hard. His coworkers complained that he made them look bad and that he should just fit in. Undeterred, my uncle did not compromise his values and continued applying himself to his job, for the sake of his family, which was growing even after his arrival in America. Two daughters were born in Seattle, joining his three sons born in Korea.

Eventually his coworkers schemed to get him fired, and successfully fulfilled their plan. Without a job, and dispirited that perhaps he'd be dogged by the same discrimination he'd faced in Korea again in Seattle, Ching Fang Hsu decided to take control of his fate by opening a business. He opened a tiny place with a few tables and my aunt cooking. But he had a problem, people unfamiliar with the menu kept leaving when they couldn't find dishes they were accustomed to ordering in a Chinese restaurant. That's when my uncle started challenging his customers. He'd offer to order for his customers and if the customer disliked the food, he offered that the customer could eat for free.

With that little bit of bravado, my uncle went on to build one of the most successful restaurants in Seattle history. He moved out of the Yesler Terrace projects, and became a homeowner and eventually a landlord. His oldest son Ron would continue onto a successful career as a pulp and fiber executive and contestant on Amazing Race twice, his second son became an internist and later a medical director, his youngest son a fiber optics expert, his oldest daughter graduated from Yale and later one of Yale's few Asian American deans, and his youngest daughter an educator in Seattle (My Uncle's Seattle Times Front Page Obituary).

What prepared him for success in Seattle though was preparation, apprenticeships he had served before in Harbin, China and in Korea, working for business owners, and running his own businesses. His success with his restaurant Harbin didn't come out of a vacuum. Practice helps.

My father before we landed in Seattle never worked in a kitchen in his life. He had previously owned restaurants where he hired chefs, but barely walked into a kitchen is what a family friend told me. But out of necessity, as an entrepreneur, he became in my opinion one of the greatest chefs ever (Obituary I wrote for my father).

We came to Seattle in 1974, invited by my uncle Ching Fang Hsu. After a year of searching for jobs, the best job he was able to land was dishwashing at a Greek owned diner on Pill Hill. Based on a promise by a friend in San Francisco that my father could take over his restaurant if my father learned how to cook, my father traveled to San Francisco and lived for a year in 1975, leaving us in Seattle.

My father got a job at a Korean lounge called Arirang, cooking for customers who occasionally wanted food to accompany their drinking. How my father worked it was he'd call his friend on the phone to get instructions on recipes and technique. In one of the earliest examples of online education, my father learned over the phone how to debone a chicken (I suggest you watch a video of Martin Yan deboning a chicken, it's great theater). After a year, when it became apparent that his friend wouldn't come through on his promise, my father returned to Seattle.

After working at another Korean lounge in Tacoma for about a year, my father decided he'd open his own restaurant. I was only 6 years old at the time, and only vaguely remember the details. My father bought a former burger joint in West Seattle with hopes to turn it into a Chinese restaurant. However the equipment needing replacing with appropriate stoves like wok ranges. He bought the equipment from a dealer in Everett with a family friend translating for him. Turned out the equipment was useless, and my father gave up on the location and sold the building to start again on a new location.

He got lucky on his second try. A landmark, the Teapot Cafe on Capitol Hill on East John Street across from the original Group Health hospital was for sale. The professional children of the original owners wanted to sell the restaurant after their parent's passing. My father paid $10,000 for the business, the rent was $425 a month. The restaurant also came with a nice bonus, a waitress named Mary Ann, of Swedish stock originally from Minnesota. Mary Ann waited patiently as my father put together his minimum viable product by painting the walls, replacing the carpets, recovering the seats and booths, and modifying the wok range with concrete and a stainless steel pot with the bottom reamed out. We even kept the porcelain tea pots left over by the prior owners. Only after we were about ready to open, Mary Ann marched in, I remember this vividly. She camped out in the first booth near the door, ordered a pot of tea, and then demanded my father hire her and that she belonged with the restaurant.

I remember my sister getting flustered trying to translate, unsettled by what was going on. My father laughed and said ok. He admired Mary Ann's strength. Guess he knew anybody who could standup for herself like that would be able to handle negotiating a non-English speaking chef while handling a dining room full of customers.

With this my father had a business that prospered long as we owned it. When my father sold it to other Chinese from Korea, that family continued on with success, putting all of their children through school thanks to the restaurant. Watching all of this starting at the age of 6, I began my apprenticeship.

I'll continue with another post about my direct apprenticeships.




Monday, August 30, 2010

Chang-rae Lee Writes About Getting a Tee-time at Bethpage Black


It is 3:30 a.m. on a cool June day, and I am at Bethpage on Long Island. My home is 40 miles away, clear on the other side of New York City, in suburban New Jersey. But here I am alone, and not completely unhappy. I am lying down in the back of my old Honda station wagon, waiting for the man to drive down from the clubhouse and hand out the numbered tickets.

They're going to hold the U.S. Open here, on the Black Course (the one I'm aiming to play in the morning), and it's almost impossible to get a tee time the normal way anymore, which is to call on the telephone reservation system. I've been trying for weeks, but I don't have an auto-redialer. If the line isn't busy, the earliest time I can get is a 3:50 p.m. slot, which means it's unlikely I'll finish the round before dark. Even with the five courses here at Bethpage State Park, there are too many golfers in the megalopolis. They cram us in, and it takes more than five hours to play, sometimes six.

This afternoon I called and happened to talk to a real person. He told me the best way to get one of the walk-up slots they reserve each hour is to camp out the night before, the way people do for Bruce Springsteen tickets.

"So I just come and wait in my car?"

"Yeah, you'll see."

"But what time should I get there?"
"It's up to you."

"What time would you get there?"

"I'm not a golfer."

"Let's say you were."

"Maybe midnight, 1 o'clock. Some guys come earlier. Hey, it's up to you."

After dinner I told my wife, Michelle, of my plans, and she gazed at me with gravest love and pity, as if she had just realized the full extent of my Golf Problem, how deep it ran and how dark. She could only faintly nod as I explained that this was an opportunity, the only surefire way to experience this classic layout. And then, besides being at one of the nation's temples of truly public golf, where the fee is a most plebian $31, I'd be playing the very track Tiger and Vijay and Sergio would be playing in the Open, hitting (in the broadest sense) the same drives and approaches, the same chips and putts.

She shrugged and left me to my planning. I timed it so I'd get to the course just around midnight, which, sad to say, is well past my usual bedtime. I'd fall dead asleep and power-nap until 4:30, when the man supposedly came out. I'd snag my early time, then power-nap again, until the dawn broke and I'd head to the range for a bucket of balls and a big coffee and prepare myself to bring the lengthy and magnificent Black Course to its knees as the dew burned off the gleaming, majestic fairways.

A fine stratagem indeed, but now, in the parking lot, I am having trouble with the sleep part. The seats are folded down, and if I lie diagonally, I can almost stretch out fully. Beside me is my golf bag, the two of us scrunched together in the narrow space between the wheel wells, so that if I shift, the irons click-clack and the headcovers tickle my face. I have brought everything I need--or at least, what I thought I would need--for a good night's rest: (1) down sleeping bag, from long-ago camp days, moldy-smelling in the seams; (2) corduroy couch pillow, from where, I don't know; (3) earplugs; (4) an exhaustive history of the Pacific air war during World War II; (5) a fresh pint of Dewar's.

None of the above is of much use, however, because what I imagined would be a serene encampment of slumbering golfers is in reality a drive-up nighttime men's club, replete with music, drinking, chatter, and a regimented protocol: You park on the inside curve of a big circular lot with numbered spots, backing your car in so you can drive directly out. At the appointed hour, a park ranger emerges with a flashlight and a wheel of those tickets they use at raffles; everybody starts his engine, and in order you roll up and receive up to four tickets, depending on how many are in your car.

I didn't know about the backing-in rule, so the fellow in the purple GTO in the next slot honked and rolled down his window and barked, "Swing it around, buddy," which I did, causing a brief but clearly distressing logjam for the cars behind me, as indicated by a not-quite supportive round of horn bursts--my rookie welcome. Since then, I've been bolt awake, wired with activity and the discomfiting presence of other people.

Consider Mr. GTO, who has fired up what looks like a major-league doobie and tuned in the classic rock station at 80 decibels, thud-thudding my windows. The deejay (like every other classic rock deejay at this hour) is spinning "You Shook Me All Night Long" by AC/DC. And then there's Mr. Land Rover, who, with every last dome light on in his high-hatted vehicle, is working on a 101 acrostics book, expert edition. Don't we all need our rest to prepare for the labors of the coming day? I get out in the chilly air ready to offer manly homilies on the virtues of dimmed lights and soft music when I see that the parking lot has been filled, and that most of the cars' occupants are not snoring away but restlessly milling around in their caps and shorts, talking golf.

There are the salty regulars, mingling with tallboy Buds and smokes--night-shift guys and retirees who've known each other for years, this their only country club, and who group up in the lead cars for the first tee times of the day so they can rip through in three hours and get back home for breakfast and a nap. There are also tourists here: a foursome of lanky young Swedes making a yearly pilgrimage, some natty-looking dudes from the Bay Area, and a father-son twosome visiting from Indiana, Mom and Sis back at the hotel in Manhattan sleeping off a sweet NYC evening of La Caravelle and "The Lion King."

It must be that time, because here comes the guy with the flashlight. Everybody gets back in the cars, and we roll out and form the conga line. When I finally park again and get called inside to the clubhouse window, I'm nearly overcome by a repeating wave of the jitters, the way I used to feel in college when I'd attempt an all-nighter and succeed only in making myself ill from too much coffee and too many Tootsie Rolls. Though there's an open spot at 6:08, I wonder if I'll be able even to hold a club, so when the lady asks again, I say the 12:36 is just fine with me, already warming with the thought of seven and a half good hours of sleep. See you later, guys. It's been real.

Postscript: Glorious day, excellent course condition, three nice fellows as partners. The one with the ugliest swing beat us silly. Suspected he was using an illegal ball, as he never let anyone mark it on the greens. I shot 83, which on any other day would have been 93. The course is long. On most of the par 4s, I was hitting a 3-wood for my approaches, but I was pure magic with the 60-degree wedge, saving pars when I should have made doubles. Best 18-hour round of my life.

Chang-rae Lee is the author of two novels, Native Speaker (1995) and A Gesture Life (1999). This article is excerpted from The Ultimate Golf Book, edited by Charles McGrath and David McCormick, [C]2002 by Houghton Mifflin Company, 272 pages, $40. Reprinted with permission.

COPYRIGHT 2002 Golf Digest Companies

Chang-rae Lee's Homecoming, Published in the April 2004 Issue of Golf Digest

The Homecoming
A native son returns to sample the heights and delights of golf on the other side of the world

BY CHANG-RAE LEE

Golf in Korea is a pretty exalted affair, and the reasons are clear: There are an estimated 2.5 million golfers in Korea, but a mere 50 public-access courses, most of which are resort tracks where the least expensive green fee is $100, plus $60 for the mandatory caddie or cart. The other 120 golf courses in the country are private, super-exclusive clubs with mid-six figure initiation fees. So it figures that most of the nation's golfers are driving-range players--some even exclusively so--and only if you're a tycoon or a high-level employee or client of one of the huge conglomerates can you play regularly at some of the loveliest, most opulent golf clubs in Asia.

But it seemed only right to begin at the driving range. I'm with my uncle and aunt in Ilsan, a newer suburban area 15 miles northwest of Seoul. At breakfast we decide that the first day of my return to the homeland should in part be spent hitting balls. The greatest part, naturally, will be devoted to eating and communing with other relatives, but to help ease my adjustment to the local time we agree that there is nothing better for jet lag than working through a couple hundred balls. They're avid golfers, and are lucky enough to belong to one of the few non-billionaires clubs in the area. But because it's 90 minutes away, and a round takes at least six hours to play, they're lucky if they can get out once a week during the season. As such, they also have a $1,000 annual range "membership" that allows them to hit unlimited balls close to home.

The netted range, small by American standards, is a double-decker jammed among houses and shops on the outskirts of the town. It's exceedingly clean and spiffy, more like a fancy health club than your average cruddy public range with frayed mats and balls knocked clean of dimples. We have a "tee time," too, and as my aunt checks us in at the front desk the panel of lights behind the receptionist clicks on at the corresponding second-floor stalls.

Hitting balls is a nifty arrangement. You tap a small sewing machine-type pedal with your club, and a mechanical arm extends and deftly places a ball on the tee or drops it on the mat. You can also set the machine on auto-load, and I get into a fairly rapid rhythm, the meter of the ball machine and me eventually grooving into a weird kind of anapestic chant, whack-shoot-shoo, whack-shoot-shoo, and I find myself feeling oddly monk-like, even shutting my eyes for several swings. The mats are high-end, the filaments of the synthetic grass stout enough to prop the ball to a perfect lie but still supple and wispy, the rubber beneath just spongy enough to let you go at the ball without fear of damaging the shaft or your wrists. There are mini-refrigerators filled with cold, moist hand towels, and an attendant constantly sweeps the stalls and empties ashtrays and tidies the pillows of the lounge chairs and sofas arranged about the stalls.

The most disarming feature, however, isn't a detail of the facility but the patrons themselves, divided equally by gender, who to the last seem to own solid 10-handicap swings--something I'm not quite used to seeing at the local range back home, where the strokes are varied and brutal. These golfers aren't all skilled, of course, the shanks and duffs abounding, but you can easily imagine they soon will be, as many, much like the two chic 20-something women taking a lesson next to me, had clearly been instructed by a professional. The women are slickly coutured in clingy black pants and tops, funky Swedish golf shoes, their salon-perfect hair and makeup done up a la Grace Park of the LPGA. And as I eavesdrop on their conversation when the pro takes a coffee break, I'm not at all surprised to hear that they aren't gossiping about their boyfriends but rather seriously theorizing on grip pressure and weight shift and a full release, then duly demonstrating for each other how it ought to be done. They have smooth, long swings, and hit it far. People take golf seriously here, even if they'll never hit into anything but a net. Perhaps if I lived here, too, I'd be content with just visiting the range, given how darn nice it is, and then because I always depart a session having played an immensely satisfying and easeful round of perfect-lie, bogey-free golf, this the native ground of my scratch-golfer self, forever uncowed, risk-loving, brilliantly bending the ball left and right.

But then I would have missed perhaps the most pleasurable, luxurious golf I will ever experience, my excruciatingly real and unsteady play notwithstanding. Several days later my contact in Seoul, Seon-Keun (S.K.) Lee, Editor-in-Chief of Golf Digest Korea, and the magazine's president pick me up at dawn for the drive to our first course. My hosts are wearing business suits, and I'm thankful to be dressed similarly, as I've been advised by knowledgeable friends that in Korea it's poor form to show up at the club in your playing clothes, even if it's a certainty you won't make it to the office that day, even if it's a weekend. I like the idea of dressing up for golf, partly because I rarely dress up for anything, partly because there's always a tangle of guilt in my gut when I head off to play (all that time, all that money), a stubborn knot which the rigor of my suit jacket and stiff wingtips quickly splices, as I can pretend I'm just another salary-man riding off to work, if in a fragrant limousine.

I will play three rounds with S.K., the fourth compliments of the head of one of the country's major newspapers. In terms of prestige and exclusiveness, S.K. tells me my routing will be like visiting New York and playing Shinnecock, Winged Foot, Baltusrol and Pine Valley over a long weekend, and that it's unlikely that anyone has ever played four such consecutive rounds in the history of Korean golf. I am deeply honored, of course, if also somewhat horrified, assuming the golf gods will surely disapprove of my ascension to such a rarefied set of tee boxes, and likely strike me down with a white-hot 1-iron (or worse, instill me with the hubristic notion of replacing my 5-wood with one).

The clubs near Seoul are Anyang Benest (short for "Best Nest") and Midas, which represent the zenith of Korean golf: Midas one of the newest clubs, a hilltop refuge for billionaires, Anyang the lushly manicured grand dame. The other two golf courses, Pinx and Nine Bridges, are on Jeju, the semi-tropical resort island just south of the Korean peninsula famed for the beauty of its diver-women and the intense flavor of its black-bristled swine. I'd been there many years before on a trip with my parents and remembered the island being overrun not by lovely mermaids or tasty pigs but by scores of newlyweds slow-touring the countryside on horseback, the brides sitting demurely side-saddle and often wearing traditional Korean dress, the grooms dutifully leading the horses on foot. I'll focus here on Anyang, for although there are clear differences in style (patrician Anyang, opulent Midas, Western-leaning Nine Bridges, haute-designed Pinx), the consistency of the details of the club setup and operation is astounding.

We are greeted at the Anyang clubhouse by a phalanx of uniformed staff (no teenagers in khakis and club-logo shirts here) and with an employee-to-guest ratio that appears to be around 5-to-1 (most of the house staff attractive young women in form-fitting outfits and lots of makeup), the place more like a luxury boutique hotel than a golf club. After changing we have a luscious traditional abalone porridge for breakfast, the first of three meals we'll have at the club today.

At the first tee, we are warmly welcomed with greetings and bows by the caddie master, golf club manager and the two caddies. The senior caddie, a gregarious young woman named Ms. Kim, immediately leads us in a vigorous pre-round stretch session, then hands me my driver and describes the hole and the ideal shot. After my drive and approach she seems to know all of my yardages, and for the rest of the round she'll just hand me a club and point the way and sweetly remind me to swing smoothly. And although my score certainly won't reflect it, the round is indeed silky smooth, almost disconcertingly effortless, Ms. Kim even marking my ball for me on the greens, so that the only time I handle it is to tee it up, or when I have to reach into the bag after spraying one into a pond. Playing bogey golf has never been so pleasing.

But the food is the real glory. I'm a food guy, and normally I'd never go near any golf club if I were looking for a fine meal, but at Anyang (and the others) the fare is outstanding, the equal of any restaurant in Seoul, which I realize the masters-of-the-universe members no doubt expect. The best part is that on Korean courses there are two places (called "shade houses") to rest and eat and drink, after the sixth and 12th holes, exquisitely designed climate-controlled cottages where you order from a menu of noodles and spicy casseroles and freshly made juices and herbal teas. No hot dogs or sodden chicken wraps here. My favorite dish is a dessert of chilled persimmon compote (from trees on the Anyang grounds), sweet and bursting with the tangy flavor, a perfect follow-up to my savory black bean noodles. And as we play the 12th, instead of setting up my shot I'm considering the merits of having another bowl of noodles--this time, buckwheat in cold bouillon--but opt instead for a fresh strawberry juice, as I know we're to have a "simple" lunch after the round (a tasty multi-course menu, it turns out, of sashimi, scallion fritters, and a spicy fish stew, along with lots of OB lager).

After the round Ms. Kim gives me a friendly hug, and we retire to the locker room, which is like the ultra-high end spa of a Four Seasons in Bali or Thailand, the granite-paneled toilette area dramatically lighted and piped-in with soft classical music. The main feature here, behind automatic sliding-glass doors, is the moh-gyoak-tahng, or the bath; imagine a sumptuous Roman setup of the sort you'd see in a Burton-Taylor picture, but sleekly recast into three slate-lined plunge pools (cool, hot, hotter), looking out through a huge wall of glass onto an exquisite rock and flower garden. But you don't just jump in; there's a way of the bath, namely that you strip down to your skivvies at your locker, then strip completely at another, smaller, set of lockers next to the showers, where you scrub yourself clean with rough brushes and loofahs and stand under the cascade of a Frisbee-size shower head before finally wading into one of the communal tubs for the long, good soak. And it is here, in the mineral-fortified water, that I begin to recount the day, literally, all the shots realized (and not), all the drinks and dishes consumed (and not), and I now understand why playing a round in Korea takes the entire day: because you very much want it to. For here you want to escape the pace and high pressure and noxious air of the city, you want to linger in the "shade houses" and along the fairways redolent of camellia and wild rose, you want to flirt with your expert white-gloved caddie, you want your fill of the sweet and the savory, and then, in between, play the great game, too. At least just a bit.

Chang-rae Lee's third novel, Aloft, is being published in March. His last piece for Golf Digest was on camping out for a tee time at Bethpage State Park in June 2002.

COPYRIGHT 2004 Golf Digest Companies

Sunday, May 29, 2005

US Airways Investors Live in A Fantasy World

US Airways Investors Live in A Fantasy World

As the saying goes, a sucker born every minute . . .

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

The Seattle Times: Obituaries: Ching Fang Hsu, 84, helped introduce pot stickers to Seattle

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Newsday.com: Golf rides on Tiger's tail

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Hells, Even KBS Lists Kevin as American

My Correspondence Re: Kevin Na

Mr. Piras is a reporter in Florida, I wrote him concerning his description of Kevin Na as the "South Korean Sensation." I pointed out that Kevin is listed for the American team standing for the Presidents Cup, and that it would be more accurate to describe Kevin as an American of Korean descent. Read below his response and his logic on determining citizenship, nationality, and belonging in this great multi-cultural US of A.

April 16 Article -- Wind Dries Out Course Inbox

Don Sheu to mpiras
More options 9:01 am (13 hours ago)

Dear Mr. Piras:

Enjoyed your article on the MCI Heritage, just had a brief comment.
You described Kevin Na as the "South Korean Sensation," when in fact
he is American of Korean descent. The Presidents Cup currently lists
him at 24th for the American team
(http://www.pgatour.com/stats/leaders/r/2005/140). And if Kevin's
career continues on his current trajectory, I imagine he'll be
representing the US in a future Ryder Cup as well.

I notice this is a common mistake, I've even read a reporter's article
complimenting Kevin on his English
(http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/index.php?page=golf&story_id=022605c1_corky&page_number=1).
This of course is one of the most dreaded backhanded compliments for
any Asian American, particularly for those who have been educated
solely in the US.

Best regards,

Don Sheu
ulysseas.blogspot.com

ReplyForward

Mark Piras - BG to me
More options 12:47 pm (9 hours ago)

Don,

I sincerely apologize for the mistake. The information I got was from the
PGA Tour, which lists his birthplace as Seoul, South Korea, and, if correct,
would make him a South Korean. According to his bio, he moved to America at
the age of 8, meaning that he was indeed educated in America but he still
technically is a South Korean.

Mark Piras


Don Sheu to Mark
More options 10:00 pm (3 minutes ago)

Mark,

Thank you for your kind reply. I enclose a link describing his
naturalization as a US citizen,
http://news.hawaii.com/article/2004/Jan/18/sp/sp02a.html.

I would disagree with you in regards to regarding birthplace as the
ultimate determination of citizenship and nationality. According to
dictionary.com, nationality is defined as follows:

na·tion·al·i·ty ( P ) Pronunciation Key (nsh-nl-t, nsh-nl-)
n. pl. na·tion·al·i·ties
The status of belonging to a particular nation by origin, birth, or
naturalization.
A people having common origins or traditions and often constituting a nation.
Existence as a politically autonomous entity; national independence.
National character.
Nationalism.

Kevin's naturalization as a US citizen makes it appropriate to call
him an American since he has renounced any former citizenship and is
entitled to the full rights and participation as a US citizen.

I was born in Seoul, Korea, but wouldn't ever consider myself a South
Korean. I was born with citizenship in Republic of China, an exile
of the communist takeover of China. I naturalized as a US citizen,
and consider myself American before any other identity.

Perhaps it would be a good question to Kevin what he considers
himself. I speak Korean fluently, and I know that linguistically in
Korean, Kevin would not be described as a "South Korean."

Best regards,

Don Sheu